On Sunday evening, approximately around 10:05 PM, Squeek passed away from liver cancer.
I guess around 6-7 months ago he began losing weight and because he was 13, I attributed this to his age. I never would have thought it meant he had a tumor eating away at him. The thought makes me so sad, I can't express it.
Squeek wasn't just a cat to me. He was my Squeeky Bear. My kitty cat teddy bear. He would cuddle me at night, sleeping right next to my face, the closer the better for him. Without fail he was there when I went to sleep and he would be there when I woke up. In the morning, I would give him a kiss, go to the bathroom for a shower where he would wait for me to finish. He was my sweet baby, when he wasn't being obstinate about something.
Near the end of September I was worried about him but I thought it was maybe just an bacterial infection or something. In October I went on my first work trip and Squeek appeared to be doing fine, with the exception of that original weight loss. I came back two weeks later and he appeared to a little thinner but no worse for the wear really, just seemed to miss me. I missed him too of course...I hate being away from my baby.
I had to leave for work travel once again two weeks later so off to Phoenix I went. During my time away I was keeping up with my family via my home computer's video camera. They couldn't see me but I could see them. It made my journey away a bit less harrowing. I saw Snorkle a lot, he seemed to pop into the room when he heard my voice. Squeek and Ana, far less so. When I came back from that trip, Squeek had lost enough weight for me to be really worried. I wondered if he was having separation anxiety. Cats are known for this, especially if their owner is gone for a significant amount of time. Naturally, we went to the vet at this time. They did lots of tests on him, including an x-ray searching for tumors. None were found. I was told all his organs looked really healthy and he didn't have FIV or Leukemia. The vet wanted to do an ultra-sound but I didn't see the point of that since nothing showed up on the x-ray. Assuming it was an infection at that point, he was given an anti-biotic. He improved a great deal, evening gaining weight but I had to leave again.
This time I was gone until nearly Christmas, another two week trip. When I came back he was good for about a week and a half and then he was running fevers and feeling ill. I called the vet hoping to get a refill on meds. I had to take him in once again and this time I saw my regular vet. The time before it was one of his younger doctors. This time the doctor pointed out that Squeek had Jaundice. I was naturally worried because I know this can kill. He showed me that the original blood test showed a higher number of Bilirubin. Normally, bilirubin passes through the liver and is excreted as bile through the intestines. Jaundice occurs when bilirubin builds up faster than a cat's liver can break it down and pass it from the body. Just in case you didn't already know that. The normal bilirubin in a cat ranges between .01 and .04, Squeek had .05 so it wasn't terribly high. The doctor was afraid it might be a tumor but hoped it was just a bad infection. He did give me more meds and I gave them to Squeek. It took about 3 days but he started looking better. The jaundice actually got worse but then it started receding. I could tell by shining a light through his ear. The yellow at once point was at the tip of his ear but then it started going back down his ear. I had high hopes.
When I called the doctor again he suggested fluids under the skin. I did this too for four days. Squeek was ok and then on Friday he jumped from my lap to Chris' chair. I guess he just wanted some alone time which I took to be a good sign. However, in the process of jumping, he missed with his back legs and his body slammed into the side of the chair. This made me cringe and coddle him, hoping it was just a one time thing. He started having more difficulty getting into chairs after that and I noticed a limp. By Saturday he wasn't eating nearly as much. Saturday night he didn't sleep with me. I pretty much didn't sleep that night, every noise woke me and I heard him struggle to go to the liter box which is in the secondary bathrooms bathtub. I got up and grabbed a spare liter box and set it up on the bathroom floor, I couldn't have him suffering. I found throw up of his food from a few hours before on the floor.
When I woke up at 9 AM Sunday to prepare for work I was so exhausted I felt nauseous. I checked on Squeek and worried. I wrote an email to my boss to tell him I wasn't coming in due to exhaustion and Squeek. He already knew things weren't going well. I picked Squeek up and brought him back to bed with me where he stayed for perhaps a couple of mins. I got back up and offered him food. He liked the smell, it interested him. He loves Tuna and I had been feeding him that fairly often recently. He took one lick and then went away. He wouldn't eat. He did however drink a ton of water. This kept him going for most of the day.
By early evening, he could barely walk, couldn't meow and was still refusing to eat. Chris even cooked him shrimp which Squeek adored more than Tuna and he smelled it but then wouldn't eat. He finally stopped even drinking water.
At one point, I grabbed a book and went to the living room and sat in his and my favorite chair. I pulled him onto my lap where he laid for hours. When he lost the ability to get up to go urinate I knew it was the end of the line for my poor baby. I cleaned myself up and changed and went back to the living room. That is where I found Squeek, on the living room floor, just staring and laying in a horribly uncomfortable position. I picked him up and headed back to the comfy chair where we sat for an hour or so.
Chris had been sleeping and I yelled to him. Thankfully he woke up and we had a talk about taking Squeek to an emergency Clinic for a peaceful death. Originally we decided to take him to my regular vet for this the next day. Squeek wasn't going to make it that long and I didn't want my baby suffering any more, no matter how much it was going to kill me. My heart was breaking...all day it broke a little more.
We finally made our way to the vet, me holding my limp baby who cried in a scared fashion several times. I couldn't stand it. I didn't want him to be scared just before dying. It ripped my heart to pieces. When we got there, I couldn't talk at all, I could only hold Squeek and cry. Some lady whose dog was on morphine (thankfully) grabbed a box of tissues for me. I don't think she knew what was going on with my situation but she obviously felt bad. Squeek finally noticed the dog and got scared all over again. I shielded his eyes and this calmed him down. Eventually I had to turn him towards the wall to resolve this issue.
They called us into the room and so I gathered Squeeky in my arms once more and walked down the never ending hallway. I started crying more and Squeek suddenly twisted and contorted, his paws shooting out and reaching for something but only finding air, and cried out. I couldn't figure out why but Chris and my mom both feel that perhaps the way I held him caused some shooting pain. I thought perhaps the smells made him realize where he was. I calmed him down and we reached the room where a towel was laid out. As instructed, I laid him down and began to pet him. He just laid there without moving.
The assistant took him away for a few mins to insert a catheter in his leg. When she brought him back he was sprawled out in what I can only assume was the more comfortable way for him to lay. We had a few mins before the doctor came in and I was able to tell him how much I loved him and how much I would miss him. I also told him that this was so he wouldn't suffer any more and he could find peace. He was only able to focus on me with one eye at this point and he seemed to respond to me. The doctor came in and explained what was going to happen. She turned him to where she could reach his paw and he was staring at me. I told him I loved him once again. She gave him a sleep anesthetic which basically made him sleep as if for surgery. After that, she injected what is effectively an anesthetic over dose and stops his heart. My baby was gone. She gave us a few minutes with him before taking him away to put him in a box for us. All I could do was pet him and pet him over and over.
Behind me, and a bit to my surprise Chris was crying too. Not that I thought he didn't care, I was just surprised to see that he was going to miss Squeek that much too. I just didn't know he cared that much for Squeek.
The doctor came back, collected Squeek and they put him in a box for us, closed his eyes and I assumed, curled him up a bit like a cat sleeping. I didn't look because I couldn't. They told me they would close his eyes but nothing about his positioning.
We took him home and placed him in the living room until bed time (many hours of drowning myself in TV to dull the pain) when I put his box in my office chair where he liked to sit if I wasn't there. Early this evening, we buried my baby in my mothers back yard after making a pine coffin for him. We built it around the box he was put in.
I don't have enough pictures or video of him. I spent so much time taking pictures of Snorkle I never thought to snap more of Squeek. This is something I will always regret but I will cherish the pictures I do have. I expected him to be around for quite a few more years. His spirit was so strong and so sweet, how could I have seen something like this coming?
And now I mourn for my baby called Squeek. He was the light of my life for 13 and 1/2 years. I will miss him so much he will never know. He made my day when things were hard, he comforted me when things were bad, or I was ill. His hugs made me happy, his antics made me laugh, and his obstinate behavior at times made me angry, but most of all he made me love him. It's so hard for me to sleep now because he isn't here. There is a void in my life that is so blatantly obvious; and I try not to think about him because it only makes me cry for the loss of him. I have cried so much I think I shall run out of tears soon.
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