The Evil Grandmother that I Love

From Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Sunday, I went to say goodbye to my grandmother whom I've despised for years now. She is going to die any day now and this past weekend was my last chance to go see her.

In the beginning the trip was for my grandfather, to support him and show I care. In the end, it ended up being about my grandmother.

She's a racist, bigoted, superficial woman who believes that women are only worth something if they are married, and beauty is more important than brains. It's all very old fashioned, and without making excuses for her, she grew up in Georgia before segregation was demolished. While my grandfather moved on, she didn't and stuck to her horrible ways. She's never told anyone that she loved them, she was always judgmental, speaking loudly and embarrassingly about other people's faux pas. She was bitter and honestly, I think my grandfather is a saint for staying with her all these years. They married when he was 21 and she was 25 (an old maid back then). He is now 90 and she is 94.

When I got to Waco, I met everyone at the Golden Corral and from there we went to the nursing home in which my grandmother has been placed for comfort and safety. It's a really nice place as far as nursing homes go...granted I don't make a habit of visiting them. They very kindly put her in her own room so family members can say goodbye. She has congenital heart failure, an intestinal disease of some sort and a malignant tumor in her intestines. No doubt she is in pain.

Last time I saw my grandmother she was skinnier than normal but when I saw her Sunday it was shocking. She looked like a skeleton with skin. I sat next to her and talked to her while my Mom dripped water into her mouth with a straw. That's the only way she can drink now and she gets really dry mouth and throat because of the oxygen and keeping her mouth open so much. She has always been small in stature but lying in that bed, she looked absolutely tiny.

At one point everyone (Mom, Aunt and Uncle) left the room to talk about arrangements and my Grandfather went and stood in the doorway leaving just me and my grandmother. I've dealt with death so many times in my life it's almost natural to deal with now. Sitting there talking to her and looking at her, I started crying. I didn't want anyone to see though, especially my grandfather because he has had such a hard time dealing with her decline.Apparently my grandfather saw me crying even though I refused to sob out loud and I kept drying my eyes...a lot. I tried so hard not to cry but it just kept coming. It was kind of shocking because I've despised her and the hateful things she would say to me and about others, yet here I was crying...and I was the only one! The others told me they hadn't cried. I don't know about my sister or my cousin Lisa because they have been to take care of my grandfather and visit my grandmother but my grandfather treated me like I was the only one who had cried. He kept telling me what a great person I was and how sensitive I am. That made me cry even more. Thing is, he knows how I feel about my grandmother because my Mom told him when he asked why I didn't come to visit very often.

It just really broke my heart seeing her in that condition and deep down I really do love her. It was the same with my father though, I was so mad at him and hated him for things he did and said but I loved him and miss him, sometimes terribly so.

So, I am waiting, along with my family, for my grandmother to pass on. And it makes me sad.