"We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
In the lonely light of morning
In the wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That I've held so dear.
I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so..." - 'Fallen' by Sarah McLachlan
Over the years I have, of course learned a great many things as one might expect (and hope) out of any one person. I can attribute a lot of these things to my family and friends naturally since they are such a large part of my life. Some of them are the most important bits and pieces that have truly stuck with me over time, memories maybe I will always have. Not all are pretty little things, but they are worth remembering because they made the next life changing subtlety or, slap in the face altering moment worthwhile.
As a child I had a friend named Jennifer G. Kind of funny since we shared the same first name and the same last initial. We were practically inseparable. Despite practically living at her house on occasion I still never called her mother, Mom, because I just didn't do that. It just never occurred to me when I was little. But she was a second mom to me and Jennifer was like a sister. We moved away when I was 8, nearly 9. I went back at the age of 11 to visit; meanwhile I had been writing to Jennifer and keeping in contact. She was a "prep"or a "bow-head" if you will and I was merging into "new-age" and wearing a lot of black and other dark colors at the time. She virtually shunned me as politely as she could. Her mother still treated me the same because she was still the same lovely woman she had always been. Jennifer started me on my hatred of not only the prep and bow-head crowds back then, but of blonds. She was only one of about 6-8 blond best female friends I had who did something nasty to betray my trust or friendship and so I developed a huge distrust and a very unhealthy dislike for the fair haired population as a whole because of these 9 or so women. No worries, it wasn't to last forever.
There was my mother who taught me the love of music. We used to drive along in the car on long road trips for instance and we would sing along with Anne Murray or any of the other various artists she loved and I grew up loving. At the age of 6 she taught me harmony (I apparently started singing at 2, probably not well, but there you have it) which lead to even more love and more avenues for us to practice and explore. This blossomed into so much more later when I joined choir in elementary school and the school musical in 5th grade with a lead part, such that they were. I loved them and that's what mattered.
It's pretty safe to say I'm an independent person. That could be putting it mildly, maybe. This is another attribute my mother gave me. I can remember so many conversations with her where I would tell her something and she would just laugh, and looking back now, it was my independence rearing its head pretty hardcore, at four, five, and six and so forth. My father was not amused. Seriously, he was really not amused. He wanted a wife to cook and clean house for him, he didn't get his wish. On top of that his daughter was definitely NOT learning these traits. Oops. One of the funniest stories to illustrate this was when I was around five or six and we were in a boot store, shopping for, what else but cowboy boots. This was back in the day when kids wore their names on their shirts. 'Hi! Wanna kidnap me? Well here's my name. Excellent!' Anyway, a drunk tipsy cowboy was rambling by and paused, tilted his head, looked at my shirt and then me. "Jennifer? That's a pretty name for a pretty little girl. How would you like to come home and cook and clean house for me?" I looked up at him with a blink of my "pretty little lashes" and said "My mommy isn't raising me just to cook and clean house for a man." He looked startled, shrugged and lumbered off. My mom started laughing. My father turned more red than usual and looked thoroughly embarrassed. Yes folks, it started early.
As mentioned above, my mother taught me to love music when I was little. Loving music is beautiful and brings something into our lives that can do so much for so many of us. But, a love for music allows for only so much. My grandfather, Pepaw as we called him, taught me the Joy, and the passion of music. I couldn't help but be swept up in that magical world surrounding him. I remember that for the longest time as I was growing up there was always music on visits. Organs, which I loved to pretend to play, banjos, guitars, singing, etc. And when I got old enough to make my own music, even though it wasn't his style, he still listened and told me how wonderful I was and it was. He has passed now but his memory lives on in me, and the rest of his grandchildren who sing, play or write music.
My sister Vicki has always been the caretaker. She was like a secondary mother to me for a very long time, at least until she had her own kiddos. I always looked up to her. Endlessly she tries to help people. And, while it may end in disappointment I have never seen it stop her. It was she who taught me that trying to save someone was a worthwhile feat. I have tried this with people and I have found (as many have) that unless someone wants to help themselves you can't help them. As this is so, I tend to focus my efforts on animals. Generally, this is much to the chagrin of whomever it is that lives with me, that would make my husband the lucky one now!
It seems most people are of the general thought that young people don't remember things or don't grasp things very well. I think this is quite untrue. When I was six, my brother Scottie was a big influence on me. I can hazily remember sitting on his shoulders and having to duck as we went in through doorways because otherwise I'd smack right into them, face first. He was tall. More than that, he was kind. Even someone as young as I was noticed this. It is a personality trait that draws people in and it worked on me. I haven't always managed to master this skill but I assure you, it is something I have and I have even managed to use it over time here and there, more than folks might know.
Ah, my dear, brother Bryan whose cynicism and sarcasm has certainly had a huge impact on me throughout the years. His intelligence, analytical skills and ability to assess a situation, even though not always accurately, have always made me think twice about things... once I got past my know-it-all stage. So, two years ago, more or less. Just kidding, sometime during my teen years he ripped into me about being a huge know-it-all and made me feel like an idiot. He was younger then too and a little less diplomatic with his baby sister than with everyone else. He has never been the protective brother, willing to beat up guys who messed with me, no I took care of that. He took situations in which I was upset and helped me figure out a different side, a better answer, or perhaps just calmed me down. I have always been a little over the top with my anger and naturally, he knew it. He would gladly laugh at me which would anger me more but now I look back on it, I'm sure it was meant to show me I was over reacting. My whole family is sarcastic but I'm quite sure Bryan and I take the cake on this, at least on my mother's side. I'm very sure my heightened level of sarcasm was learned from my brother and I appreciate every bit of that sarcasm, analyzing, self assessing, the little bit of diplomacy he taught me (the rest came from Apple), and lack of know-it-all-ness I have now thanks to him.
Leann, another of my sisters, really taught me a love of cats. For, if not for her, Frodo would never have come to Bryan as a gift. And I would not have become super attached to Frodo. Instantly at the age of four I was enamored and it was over for Bryan. When he eventually moved out, he didn't take Frodo with him. I know this was mainly because of me. Frodo had become just as attached to me and slept with me nightly, hugging me. Leann also brought her other cats for us to babysit whom I remember were stolen from our house but I will never forget that she introduced me to cats and that because of her I adore them so.
The youngest of my three sisters next to me, Sherri, was my tomboy idol when I was really young. I thought it was so cool that she played sports and did the same things that the boys did. I did these things as well but because she did them, I knew I could too. I often got in fights with little boys because they would tell me I should be playing with dolls instead of cars, or that I couldn't do certain other things because I was a girl. They soon found out how wrong they were. I was empowered by my older sister but she never knew. Of course I had no idea what empowered meant at the time or that I was, but who cares, I was beating up little boys and playing with cars.
This brings me to my niece Mandy. She was the one who started healing my dislike for the fair haired folks. It's very hard to dislike someone you love so much just because of their hair color. It was an irrational dislike of a populace for their hair color in the first place but people are not always rational are they? Unfortunately, I'm pretty positive my dislike had a negative effect on her which I am sorry for; but I am forever glad she grew up and decided it didn't matter what I thought and grew out her beautiful blond hair. It just so happens she is very intelligent, creative and she doesn't play to the stupid stereotype for which I am also happy. I love her spirit and her giving nature and she is so much like her mom, Vicki. Mandy gave me back some of my belief in people.
Jeni, a very good friend of mine has also restored my faith in the fairer haired folk. She started off with light hair and though it has darkened to a very light brown, I count her as one of the intelligent "blonds" since I knew her when she was blond. Ha! She has been a true friend and she has been there for me in a very rough time. She has understood my issues (of which there have been a lot in a little time) and she has been patient. And even when I didn't always have the time to stop and be the best of friends, she was still there. This has restored the rest of my faith in people, the faith that I had lost anyway.
My nephew Matthew has given me a lot to think about. Sometimes you have to forgive and forget. He was my little sweet Matthew as he grew up. He always ran to give me hugs and I can't tell you the kind of joy this gave me. Even as a teenager he still gave me hugs, when you know, it wasn't "cool". Things happened; he fell into some bad stuff as some of us do growing up and even then, even when things were at their worst for him, he pulled himself up, with the help of family, and got himself through it. It wasn't easy, it wasn't quick and I was upset deep down for a while. But I found that as hard as it is, it's sometimes easier to forgive someone of their dumb mistakes than it is to hold on to the upset over it. Not to mention having my own dumb mistakes naturally. I have had plenty. I can't say that about everything, but I can say that about a lot of things now. He has shown me people can be very strong. I think I knew it, but seeing it is often stronger than knowing sometimes.
Polly and Steve, two people who helped me learn to live life in a very small town. They helped me adapt, as well as I possibly could to Krum. I was a skater chick with uneven hair in a town with 2000 people and a school with 50 people in the High School section. It was massive culture shock. I had moved half way through the year from a school with 3000 + people and within a few minutes of arriving it felt like most of the people in my grade knew who I was. It was awful. On top of that they were holding auditions for the school play which I would have adored trying out for but I held back because I was new to the school; and honestly, I had come from places where the new girl didn't get parts. I found out later in drama class if I had auditioned I would likely have made it. Back to Steve and Polly... because of them, I tried new things, things I wouldn't have normally tried previous to moving to Krum. They are two of the best friends I have ever had.
Chris, my husband has taught me a lot. I think the biggest and truest thing he has shown me is real love. We know our limits, we know we mesh, we know that we work well together. At least I know these things to be true. I can't speak for someone else really. Trusting another human with my feelings has been difficult because of the road I have traveled. I have met some very unkind people along the way. Unfortunately Chris has had to deal with some of the walls that went up because of that. I think I can say that most of those walls have come down because of him. I am learning to trust completely, despite personal insecurities and let me tell you people, that is hard! He gets frustrated with me and I can always tell, but because I am me, I make him talk to me and work it out. I never let things just drop because it's not worth holding it in. I know when to pick my battles (mostly) and I feel we have a healthy way of handling things. He's so very clever and funny. Get him and my brother in a room and it's over for my ribs. They will be hurting forever. Well at least for that night, maybe the next day.
The rest of my family through recent re-connections has taught me to open my eyes and see anew. Things change as I well know from my jobs and life in general, mostly from my jobs though. People can grow, and become something different and though you may hold certain expectations you should really look past those because they are often wrong. At least in my case they are. I find that first impressions are not usually correct and it's best to wait 'til second or even third meetings before casting "judgment". Don't get me wrong, I'll still make comments and make fun if I wish of whomever I like, but that doesn't mean I won't feel bad later or change my mind about people I meet. I'm still me after all and I'm nothing if not cynical, nothing if not honest about how I feel about things and nothing if not able to realize I can be wrong. Best of all, I am adaptable. :*)
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
In the lonely light of morning
In the wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That I've held so dear.
I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so..." - 'Fallen' by Sarah McLachlan
Over the years I have, of course learned a great many things as one might expect (and hope) out of any one person. I can attribute a lot of these things to my family and friends naturally since they are such a large part of my life. Some of them are the most important bits and pieces that have truly stuck with me over time, memories maybe I will always have. Not all are pretty little things, but they are worth remembering because they made the next life changing subtlety or, slap in the face altering moment worthwhile.
As a child I had a friend named Jennifer G. Kind of funny since we shared the same first name and the same last initial. We were practically inseparable. Despite practically living at her house on occasion I still never called her mother, Mom, because I just didn't do that. It just never occurred to me when I was little. But she was a second mom to me and Jennifer was like a sister. We moved away when I was 8, nearly 9. I went back at the age of 11 to visit; meanwhile I had been writing to Jennifer and keeping in contact. She was a "prep"or a "bow-head" if you will and I was merging into "new-age" and wearing a lot of black and other dark colors at the time. She virtually shunned me as politely as she could. Her mother still treated me the same because she was still the same lovely woman she had always been. Jennifer started me on my hatred of not only the prep and bow-head crowds back then, but of blonds. She was only one of about 6-8 blond best female friends I had who did something nasty to betray my trust or friendship and so I developed a huge distrust and a very unhealthy dislike for the fair haired population as a whole because of these 9 or so women. No worries, it wasn't to last forever.
There was my mother who taught me the love of music. We used to drive along in the car on long road trips for instance and we would sing along with Anne Murray or any of the other various artists she loved and I grew up loving. At the age of 6 she taught me harmony (I apparently started singing at 2, probably not well, but there you have it) which lead to even more love and more avenues for us to practice and explore. This blossomed into so much more later when I joined choir in elementary school and the school musical in 5th grade with a lead part, such that they were. I loved them and that's what mattered.
It's pretty safe to say I'm an independent person. That could be putting it mildly, maybe. This is another attribute my mother gave me. I can remember so many conversations with her where I would tell her something and she would just laugh, and looking back now, it was my independence rearing its head pretty hardcore, at four, five, and six and so forth. My father was not amused. Seriously, he was really not amused. He wanted a wife to cook and clean house for him, he didn't get his wish. On top of that his daughter was definitely NOT learning these traits. Oops. One of the funniest stories to illustrate this was when I was around five or six and we were in a boot store, shopping for, what else but cowboy boots. This was back in the day when kids wore their names on their shirts. 'Hi! Wanna kidnap me? Well here's my name. Excellent!' Anyway, a drunk tipsy cowboy was rambling by and paused, tilted his head, looked at my shirt and then me. "Jennifer? That's a pretty name for a pretty little girl. How would you like to come home and cook and clean house for me?" I looked up at him with a blink of my "pretty little lashes" and said "My mommy isn't raising me just to cook and clean house for a man." He looked startled, shrugged and lumbered off. My mom started laughing. My father turned more red than usual and looked thoroughly embarrassed. Yes folks, it started early.
As mentioned above, my mother taught me to love music when I was little. Loving music is beautiful and brings something into our lives that can do so much for so many of us. But, a love for music allows for only so much. My grandfather, Pepaw as we called him, taught me the Joy, and the passion of music. I couldn't help but be swept up in that magical world surrounding him. I remember that for the longest time as I was growing up there was always music on visits. Organs, which I loved to pretend to play, banjos, guitars, singing, etc. And when I got old enough to make my own music, even though it wasn't his style, he still listened and told me how wonderful I was and it was. He has passed now but his memory lives on in me, and the rest of his grandchildren who sing, play or write music.
My sister Vicki has always been the caretaker. She was like a secondary mother to me for a very long time, at least until she had her own kiddos. I always looked up to her. Endlessly she tries to help people. And, while it may end in disappointment I have never seen it stop her. It was she who taught me that trying to save someone was a worthwhile feat. I have tried this with people and I have found (as many have) that unless someone wants to help themselves you can't help them. As this is so, I tend to focus my efforts on animals. Generally, this is much to the chagrin of whomever it is that lives with me, that would make my husband the lucky one now!
It seems most people are of the general thought that young people don't remember things or don't grasp things very well. I think this is quite untrue. When I was six, my brother Scottie was a big influence on me. I can hazily remember sitting on his shoulders and having to duck as we went in through doorways because otherwise I'd smack right into them, face first. He was tall. More than that, he was kind. Even someone as young as I was noticed this. It is a personality trait that draws people in and it worked on me. I haven't always managed to master this skill but I assure you, it is something I have and I have even managed to use it over time here and there, more than folks might know.
Ah, my dear, brother Bryan whose cynicism and sarcasm has certainly had a huge impact on me throughout the years. His intelligence, analytical skills and ability to assess a situation, even though not always accurately, have always made me think twice about things... once I got past my know-it-all stage. So, two years ago, more or less. Just kidding, sometime during my teen years he ripped into me about being a huge know-it-all and made me feel like an idiot. He was younger then too and a little less diplomatic with his baby sister than with everyone else. He has never been the protective brother, willing to beat up guys who messed with me, no I took care of that. He took situations in which I was upset and helped me figure out a different side, a better answer, or perhaps just calmed me down. I have always been a little over the top with my anger and naturally, he knew it. He would gladly laugh at me which would anger me more but now I look back on it, I'm sure it was meant to show me I was over reacting. My whole family is sarcastic but I'm quite sure Bryan and I take the cake on this, at least on my mother's side. I'm very sure my heightened level of sarcasm was learned from my brother and I appreciate every bit of that sarcasm, analyzing, self assessing, the little bit of diplomacy he taught me (the rest came from Apple), and lack of know-it-all-ness I have now thanks to him.
Leann, another of my sisters, really taught me a love of cats. For, if not for her, Frodo would never have come to Bryan as a gift. And I would not have become super attached to Frodo. Instantly at the age of four I was enamored and it was over for Bryan. When he eventually moved out, he didn't take Frodo with him. I know this was mainly because of me. Frodo had become just as attached to me and slept with me nightly, hugging me. Leann also brought her other cats for us to babysit whom I remember were stolen from our house but I will never forget that she introduced me to cats and that because of her I adore them so.
The youngest of my three sisters next to me, Sherri, was my tomboy idol when I was really young. I thought it was so cool that she played sports and did the same things that the boys did. I did these things as well but because she did them, I knew I could too. I often got in fights with little boys because they would tell me I should be playing with dolls instead of cars, or that I couldn't do certain other things because I was a girl. They soon found out how wrong they were. I was empowered by my older sister but she never knew. Of course I had no idea what empowered meant at the time or that I was, but who cares, I was beating up little boys and playing with cars.
This brings me to my niece Mandy. She was the one who started healing my dislike for the fair haired folks. It's very hard to dislike someone you love so much just because of their hair color. It was an irrational dislike of a populace for their hair color in the first place but people are not always rational are they? Unfortunately, I'm pretty positive my dislike had a negative effect on her which I am sorry for; but I am forever glad she grew up and decided it didn't matter what I thought and grew out her beautiful blond hair. It just so happens she is very intelligent, creative and she doesn't play to the stupid stereotype for which I am also happy. I love her spirit and her giving nature and she is so much like her mom, Vicki. Mandy gave me back some of my belief in people.
Jeni, a very good friend of mine has also restored my faith in the fairer haired folk. She started off with light hair and though it has darkened to a very light brown, I count her as one of the intelligent "blonds" since I knew her when she was blond. Ha! She has been a true friend and she has been there for me in a very rough time. She has understood my issues (of which there have been a lot in a little time) and she has been patient. And even when I didn't always have the time to stop and be the best of friends, she was still there. This has restored the rest of my faith in people, the faith that I had lost anyway.
My nephew Matthew has given me a lot to think about. Sometimes you have to forgive and forget. He was my little sweet Matthew as he grew up. He always ran to give me hugs and I can't tell you the kind of joy this gave me. Even as a teenager he still gave me hugs, when you know, it wasn't "cool". Things happened; he fell into some bad stuff as some of us do growing up and even then, even when things were at their worst for him, he pulled himself up, with the help of family, and got himself through it. It wasn't easy, it wasn't quick and I was upset deep down for a while. But I found that as hard as it is, it's sometimes easier to forgive someone of their dumb mistakes than it is to hold on to the upset over it. Not to mention having my own dumb mistakes naturally. I have had plenty. I can't say that about everything, but I can say that about a lot of things now. He has shown me people can be very strong. I think I knew it, but seeing it is often stronger than knowing sometimes.
Polly and Steve, two people who helped me learn to live life in a very small town. They helped me adapt, as well as I possibly could to Krum. I was a skater chick with uneven hair in a town with 2000 people and a school with 50 people in the High School section. It was massive culture shock. I had moved half way through the year from a school with 3000 + people and within a few minutes of arriving it felt like most of the people in my grade knew who I was. It was awful. On top of that they were holding auditions for the school play which I would have adored trying out for but I held back because I was new to the school; and honestly, I had come from places where the new girl didn't get parts. I found out later in drama class if I had auditioned I would likely have made it. Back to Steve and Polly... because of them, I tried new things, things I wouldn't have normally tried previous to moving to Krum. They are two of the best friends I have ever had.
Chris, my husband has taught me a lot. I think the biggest and truest thing he has shown me is real love. We know our limits, we know we mesh, we know that we work well together. At least I know these things to be true. I can't speak for someone else really. Trusting another human with my feelings has been difficult because of the road I have traveled. I have met some very unkind people along the way. Unfortunately Chris has had to deal with some of the walls that went up because of that. I think I can say that most of those walls have come down because of him. I am learning to trust completely, despite personal insecurities and let me tell you people, that is hard! He gets frustrated with me and I can always tell, but because I am me, I make him talk to me and work it out. I never let things just drop because it's not worth holding it in. I know when to pick my battles (mostly) and I feel we have a healthy way of handling things. He's so very clever and funny. Get him and my brother in a room and it's over for my ribs. They will be hurting forever. Well at least for that night, maybe the next day.
The rest of my family through recent re-connections has taught me to open my eyes and see anew. Things change as I well know from my jobs and life in general, mostly from my jobs though. People can grow, and become something different and though you may hold certain expectations you should really look past those because they are often wrong. At least in my case they are. I find that first impressions are not usually correct and it's best to wait 'til second or even third meetings before casting "judgment". Don't get me wrong, I'll still make comments and make fun if I wish of whomever I like, but that doesn't mean I won't feel bad later or change my mind about people I meet. I'm still me after all and I'm nothing if not cynical, nothing if not honest about how I feel about things and nothing if not able to realize I can be wrong. Best of all, I am adaptable. :*)
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